are you there still?

i sometimes wonder what it would be like if i could still talk to you.

if i could still ask for your advice...

i miss your long explanations...your logic...your calmness.

you gave me peace of mind.

something that happens only rarely.

i want to tell you so many things....i want to tell you that i have changed a lot for the better...that i am doing the things that you wanted me to do.

are you proud of me?

i miss you.

Bangkok Babe

i'm here in my hotel room....wearing an oversized robe and slippers.

one song comes to mind.....

Destiny by Zero7...


sigh...despite the pressure at work. i feel so blessed.

i get to go to Bangkok for free.
i get to stay in a fancy hotel.
i get to eat SOOO many fruits.
i get to experience being independent in another country.

i love my life right now.

mr. right can wait.

Busybitch

Just when I am too busy preparing for my Thailand trip, three hot guys vied for my attention.

Ms. Touch and Go.

Ms. Independent.

Candy, the career woman.

Ah, never saw that coming....

Sigh...I think I have become a bitch. Because from what i heard...men love 'em.

Eh ano naman kung mukha akong monay?

SEXXXY naman! yan ang "hiyang" sa trabaho! hehe ;p

i knew it.

sooner of later.
you will fall.
now you know how i felt.

the question i'm asking myself is...

do i still feel the same way about you?

I miss feeling superhuman...

It's not a bird, not a plane
It's my heart and it's going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I can feel like I can do anything
Going going, I'm gone away in love

Where every problem is gone
because I flew everywhere with love inside of me
It's unbelievable to see how love can set me free

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you

losing my religion

a woman has needs.

and when a hot guy comes along... you get tempted...you fantasize about being pushed against the wall and taken....right then and there.

at least that's what i have been mulling over lately.

there's this old friend. he's basically a good guy with a great body. The first guy in what seems like centuries whom i felt the urge to be intimate with.

i didn't need to love him in order to "love" him, right?

i have needs, too. i have been denying them for far too long. today i realized....i can now do what i thought i could not.

it's high time i awaken the animal in me.




~o-0-o~
You'll be surprised with what you could live with.
Dr. Wilson, House MD

cannot.

tonight i learned that you had a girlfriend.

after three months i finally understood why you act the way you do...why you always have an excuse for not being with me.

it hurts. yes...of course..

but at my age i've already been through a lot....i've experienced bigger and greater pain than this....

no biggie, that's what i keep saying to myself.

i just wish i could've learned sooner, you know?

maybe i might've stopped myself for feeling anything more than what is right...

doomed.

you are mine five days a week.

i look forward to seeing you each morning. i fret when you are about to leave at the end of the day.

i rub elbows with you many times in a span of one week.

we shout with laughter...we snicker mischievously...we whisper private jokes....we curse the people who make our life hell.

we go from flirting outrageously to working like mad dogs the next minute.

everything is going well except for one little thing.

i'm falling for you.

secretly....i'm hoping you can be mine seven days a week. plus the nights too.


somebody, kill me now. please.

traffic siguro....

nasaan ka na?

traffic ba?


ang tagal mo naman dumating sa buhay ko.. hinahanap mo ba ako?

malungkot ako ngayon. sana nandito ka na.

sana tayo na..

ikaw na ba? ikaw na sana...


siguro...traffic lang talaga.

is PMS-ing bad?

i'm lonely. i'm sad.

i need a drop of serotonin. maybe one year of sobriety won't change a thing once i visit paradise lost?


*sigh*

one year today..

one year of solitude.

one year of "me first before anyone else"

one year of "no one's going to rescue me but me"

one year of tears and laughter and pleasure AND a great deal of pain.

one year of celibacy and sobriety.


i wonder...

one year from now.....what's in store for me?

abso - fucking - lutely SATC!!

i missed new york...i missed carrie and big...i missed samantha and her filthy mouth...most of all...i missed the sex!!

i was already fighting back tears during the opening credits and first few scenes. by the end of the movie, i had a splitting headache from all the crying.

i watched sex and the city alone, my dear reader. not because i didn't have a movie buddy...but because i felt the need to watch it by myself for old times sake. i remember watching episodes alone in my room wishing i was sipping margarita every time.

so many memories associated with the series...so many personal heartaches linked to the characters' own hardships.

yes, i've missed them. the innuendos, the...cat fights...the endless flirtations...the sexcapades...the tears of pleasure and of pain...

but i know i missed the memories of happy days long gone and the people i was with more. it brought me back to the past and that weird almost rare... empty feeling.


bottom line after watching the most-anticipated movie of the year, i was depressed but at the same time hopeful.

because as much as i would like to deny it....i still believe in LOVE.


and happy endings...

it's all happening!

it all happened so fast...and i am still reeling.

i wake up every morning now...and sleep soundly at night.
i have a purpose every day and i can't wait to go to work despite the long commute.
i love the work environment and the work station that is ALL mine.
i can eat any time i choose and go to the restroom any time i need to.
i don't feel suppressed in any way..and i smile and laugh more often.

my deprived days are over!

oh, and did i mention that i am totally psyched with my SINGAPORE training this june?

finally.

finally.

my life has direction.


i have arrived.




=)

In title and in deed

I wanted to revel in it as much as i agonized over it.
I'm talking about my dream job here and there were a few moments when i felt it was out of my reach.
after my last job..this job is one million times better...AND i know in my heart and in my mind that i deserve this.
i loved it from the very beginning when i stumbled upon the job description....even though i had qualms about it.

can i really practice the profession i abandoned five years ago?

is it about the money? the chance to be trained abroad?

is it about the fact that i can work normal hours now? have my saturdays and sundays free at last?

or is it just the simple reason that i don't have to take a single irate customer's call again?

all i know is that i am finally going to be an engineer in a company that i believe in.

i'm so proud of myself right now.

and looking back at what it took me to get here....i don't want to have it any other way. =)




~o-0-o~
but the grass is oh so green....after winter rain.
- Feel It Coming by Sarah Melson

Bull's Eye

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything
EVERYTHING that I wanted
We were MEANT TO BE
SUPPOSED TO BE but we lost it
And all of the memories so close to me just FADE AWAY..
All this time you were pretending
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING




It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the ONLY ONE
It's nice to know WE HAD IT ALL
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done..

last day blues..

it's my last day and i feel at a loss..
only because it's unimaginable that the constant thing in my vampire lifestyle is coming to an end.
no more sleepless nights...no more urge to press the release button...no more irate americans to pacify...no more need to do a hundred different things at the same time...no more noise and utter chaos in the production floor.
it's hard to leave it all behind... the friends i've seen everyday for the past nine months.. the salary i've come to expect every two weeks, and mostly...the feeling that i've got to be somewhere else five nights a week.
i will miss every little thing even if it has caused so much anxiety and hopelessness.

and yet...i feel immensely relieved
that finally i can stop feeling like i'm living in a nightmare.
and therefore, move on to better and greater things..

at long last, i am done. I don't know why or how i have lasted this long...but it is over now.

goodbye, misery and darkness!
hello, freedom and sunshine!



~0-o-0~
The only thing more unthinkable than staying is leaving. The only thing more impossible than leaving is staying.
- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Heart of the Matter

This song is included in the movie trailer of Sex and the City. I fell in love with it because of the lyrics...


I've been trying to live without you now
But i miss you sometimes
The more i know, the less i understand
All the things i thought i knew, i'm learning them again

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But i think it's about forgiveness
FORGIVENESS
Even if... Even if you don't love me anymore..

Solo Dancer

being single is like dancing alone on stage. the stage lights suddenly focus on you...having found their next victim. you don't have a partner to swirl you about in a flurry of taffeta...you don't have an enigmatic choreographer to teach you the steps. stage fright is your only companion. without a choice (or perhaps because of the presence of only one) you start to move and try your damn best to ignore the curious audience....and gradually you create your own choreography and begin to sway your body to the rhythm of your own beat. after a while, you start enjoying the performance....because you realize you're not dancing for the people watching you...you're actually dancing for yourself.


being single has made me strong in a way that no man has ever come close to doing. now, i myself silent my fears. i drive away my own demons. i treat my very own neurosis. i have all sorts of issues....but i deal with them. i learned to live the questions. i learned how to be patient. i learned that i can do anything i set my mind to...and that i can achieve whatever it is i truly long for. ultimately, i learned how to self-soothe and how to be a go-getter. i have become a woman who never settles for mediocrity...who fights for what is due.

and so everyday i dance on life's stage and end up discovering what i am really made of.

hello again fluid mechanics!

laminar vs. turbulent flow..
newtonian vs. non-newtonian fluids..
reynold's number..
orifice meter..venturi meter..pitot tube..

brushing up on these concepts made me feel whole again.

alive.

like meeting an old trusted friend that i haven't seen in what seems like eons.

i had a purpose back then. maybe...just maybe..engineering has been my calling all along.

kilig factor

minsan nakakaaliw rin naman...yung may hinihintay kang text...yung may naghihintay sayo sa gimikan...yung may iniisip kang iba pagkatapos ng trabaho.

yung may kilig factor.

yung tipong type mo siya. may spark. pero di mo naman balak pakasalan siya o kaibiganin man lang.

basta simpleng kilig lang. nagpapaganda ng araw mo..nagpapasigla sa mga galaw mo...nagpapatamis sa mga ngiti mo.

minsan, ang sarap lang talaga kiligin. naaalala mo na kahit nasaktan ka na dati... may pagkakataon pang magmahal muli...kung gustuhin mo.


naaalala mo na kahit malungkot ka ngayon... pwedeng bukas..hindi ka na mag-isa.





** ang hirap magtagalog sa blog! hehe **

FAITH

when you come to the edge of all the light you know.. and are about to fall into the darkness of the unknown..

Faith is knowing that only two things will happen..

There will be someday solid to stand on..

OR

You will be taught how to fly.


~0-o-0~

i finally did it.

i finally acted on what i have been meaning to do for more than six months now.

finding strength in being alone led me to this. finding myself again amidst solitude helped me take a risk.

i know who i am, i know what i want, and settling is just not an option.

i feel like i have been hiding all this time. but now, i just want to make a change...go out there...and spread my wings.

i'm going to fly away to the great unknown.

watch me.

Easter Egg Hunt

Happy Easter, my dearest reader.

hope you had a meaningful holy week.

i never got the chance to reflect and meditate about what this season really means because i was at work the whole time.

but one thing is for certain.

i'll always think of someone special during easter sunday.

when the eggs are colorful...fun...hidden.

i'll remember that this friend offered to hide these cute little ones for me to hunt.

and i'll never forget how one egg in easter time can mean a century full of smiles. :)

how apologies should be

i want to share a letter a friend of mine gave me. it's sweet...it's flattering.

it made me smile.. even though he hurt me the last time we saw each other.

thus the letter...


for all the awkward times, i guess there are moments when one realizes one was disrespectful to people who deserve better. namely, me to you.

i still don't know any words where our conversations may transcend something more than awkward. our actions, especially my own, seem unable to transcend the superficially lusty.

as badly composed as this message may seem (which also functions as a pseudo-apology) i guess the most i can say is, i can't remember any time when i was with you that i didn't want to go to bed with you. but that's life i suppose.

people just can't seem to go past their initial connections. or their immediate desires.

am i attempting to relinquish or reinforce said desires? i don't know.

for what it's worth, i'm afraid i may have decided to actually look in hindsight and say to myself, what the f_ was i thinking?

you were one among many i guess. some decided there weren't any conversations worth having unless i woke up with them, or vise versa, and some, like you, decided to realize the same question i ask myself now: wtf?

for all such moments, many of which i don't regret but humbly appreciate, many of which i know full well go anathema to every ethical populist principle i've chosen to stand for, what i'm telling you now is this: i would dislike me too.

i miss you in the most awkward way possible. why i miss you i don't know, we never really connected. there won't be any future moments i think. but the past ones, however dumb, insignificant or wondrous, remain as memories should.

lessons ultimately transposed into ideas. appreciative, regretful, etc.

but that's how things go i suppose. what is past is prologue.

and that's that. wish you well candz.

Loveless but Happy

We must learn to be happy without love.

and in spite of it.


~ Love in the Time of Cholera (movie)

and when the night falls....

...my lonely heart calls.


oh, i wanna dance with somebody.
i wanna feel the heat with somebody.
yeah, i wanna dance with somebody.


with somebody who loves me.


la lang. LSS. hayy.

Indecent Proposal

it feels like an epoch since i last felt sexual.

but when i received my second carnal proposal for the year from yet a different source, i was left disconcerted and incredulous.

casual encounters have never floated my boat. though i might have "rowed" other boats and "rocked" them too one time or another in a distant past that has become quite a blur.

but when i politely refused yet again... this time i started to second guess myself..

have i been reduced from being saucy to being sedate?

am i now dowdy and more alarmingly....frigid?

why do i still exude the allure, the elusiveness of a woman ready to be taken when i never expected to feel neither passion nor lust ever again?

my mind is filled with these questions but my body is telling me one thing...

i am desirable. still.

time will come.

and so will i.


heehee ;p

happy birthday to you..

happy birthday, to the love of my life as yet.

we don't talk anymore, i know. i'd love to greet you today but i won't.

i'm sure you understand. i'm sure you know why.

but in my own little way...and inside my own secret world...

i wish you a very happy birthday.

i gave you pieces of myself that i would never want back.

be happy today.. and everyday.

happy birthday to me!

i felt 8,000 years old.

but i felt loved and cherished too.

i forgot how family and friends could make my day.

slices of cake. a cute shirt. a black wrist watch. a chance encounter with an old crush. a new movie buddy. perpetual drinking buddies. a carnal proposal.

my birthday was all that and more. :)

Ready Again?

i was listening to a love song early this morning and it suddenly struck me...

i want this.

i want to feel this.

i need to feel love in my life again.

after 6 months of overcoming grief and loss... after 6 months of being alone and re-discovering myself...

i find that i can be happy on my own.. and, yes, i am ready to be happy with someone else.

i am ready to love with a heart that's been broken and made whole again.

i am ready to be loved in return and to let someone in.

i am ready to once again take the risk of being rejected and undergoing heartache.

i am complete. i am whole. finally.

and i am ready.

2008

happy new year, my dear reader...

don't have the luxury for some r&r this holiday season...

haven't got time to reflect about last year... the hardships and the truimphs..

not even have a single new year's resolution in mind yet...

have to go to work.. the vampire lifestyle beckons.

will be back soon.

need to start writing again...