Day 26: My Heart Song Today

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
You're still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you...

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

A Different Candy

why is it important to let go of the old stuff and jump into newer things?

out with the old, in with the new, they say.

because letting go of my past no matter how daunting a task brings me closer to the future.

to a different me.

no more dwelling (at least not so much now)..

turn the page, change the channel.

turn-off the radio!! well, unless the music is really soothing and not senti.

my mantra every time i look in the mirror is this...

i look different. i feel different. i AM different now.

different does not mean i'm alone...different does not mean i feel empty.

different just means accepting change.

dive into different.

swim towards the new, improved Candy.

DAY 22: I am Superman

for the first time in three weeks, i got out of bed without asking God why i still woke up today.

that's a good thing, right?

twenty-two days of wanting to die in my sleep...twenty-two days of embracing my wretchedness as if it's the most important thing in the world...twenty-two days of convincing myself albeit tears and loneliness and assaulting memories of our "good" times together that ending it was all for the best.

twenty-two days of surviving without him.

TWENTY-TWO WHOLE FREAKIN' DAYS!!!

no calls, no emails, no chat, no text.

with no anesthesia to dull the pain.

i have taken no alcohol, no sedative, no mind-altering substance, no fuck buddy. i haven't even smoked a single cigarette.

why heap pain on top of pain when you know it's just momentary, right?

sigh...

i feel like Superman right now for what it's worth.

in time, i will conquer this kryptonite.

Walking Wounded

i went to the bookstore today to lick my wounds with words of healing. after almost three hours of desperate browsing, i finally decided on the bible (yes, the bible since i need a new one as i can't understand the version i have), a prayerbook for everyday women, a book from Paolo Coehlo, two self-help books and a women's magazine...so far the biggest bookstore splurge of my life.

on my way to the counter, i saw a college friend and greeted her.

Candz, okay ka lang? Pumayat ka ah..

i then blurted out that i just broke up with my boyfriend and excused myself immediately because i was near tears already.

geez...was i that transparent? walking wounded for everybody to witness?

it was terribly embarrassing but i just consoled myself with the fact that she was, after all, a friend although not a close one, at least it was NOT one of his friends OR worse....HIM with current squeeze strolling hand in hand.

it was then that i made up my mind not to look like an emotional wreck again the next time i bump into someone familiar. i mean...who really cares if you're torn beyond repair inside? basic self-preservation cautions us that no matter how damaged you feel deep down... never to allow it to seep into the surface.

a true survivor may feel it.....but would rather not look it.

it only hurts when i breathe

rock bottom is inevitable...

for i can feel myself sinking into oblivion each passing night.

finding no solace.

no solace even in my dreams.

should i fight to keep myself afloat or should i just let myself drown?

i don't want to be rescued. i just want it to end.

it hurts when i breathe..

must i hold my breath then?

WE HURT ALONE

I mourn you
With tears and pain and wonder
With loneliness and rage
Suckling your betrayal upon my breasts
Until my heart is whole again

I mourn you
In my frosty dreams
Where the wind rips at my clothes,
Tears the flesh from my bones,
And puts me back together piece by piece

I mourn you with questions
How could you? Why did you?
How, why?
And try to find answers
when there are none
And my heart is weak and aching.

I mourn you
Sitting in darkness without me by your side
Wrapping my body around you
To keep at bay all that may hurt you

But we hurt alone
Backs turned against each other
Me disappearing into the darkness where you threw me

Soon I will fade away
But I miss you
As if death has taken you from me

the last time

you think there will always be tomorrow.. or the day after that..

you think there will always be a next time.

if only you knew it was your last kiss.

if only you knew it was the last time you would touch.

maybe you would have committed to memory every detail.

maybe you would have remembered every little thing.

..to help you get through lonely nights beyond the last time.

getting by...

i'm just going through the motions.

trying to push past the pain one day at a time.

each night i close my eyes to sleep as soon as tears stop flowing.
each day i open my eyes to wonder again why i wake up still.

someday i'll know the reason. someday i'll look back knowing i did the right thing.

until then..

i'm just going through the motions.

somehow finding the strength to go on.

DAY 10

for two years, i woke up knowing you were there... knowing you loved me.. knowing we had all the time in the world to be together.

today, i woke up to, yet, another day without you.

another day trying to ease the hurt. another day accepting that things have come to an end.

just another day for moving on..

will it ever stop hurting?

i miss you.

Business As Usual

It's business as usual out there..

The ebb and flow of the tides..

Traffic jams. The daily grind.

A teenager's first kiss.

I don't understand why it all hasn't come to a halt... how the world can keep spinning on its axis.

Not missing one revolution, my friend.

You wake up one day thinking about the color of your hair.

By the end of the day you feel so small you're not sure you'll be able to breathe.

Goodbye to my DJ

Are you into the sea of waking dreams?

Through this world of slumber,
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest world,
the truth enslaved.
You speak to me in riddles,
You speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath.
Your words keep me alive.

And "I" would be the one to hold you tight.
Kiss you so hard. It'll take your breath away.
After I walk away
Wide awake...
just close your eyes.

WHO AM I?

i am drained. broke. heartbroken.

i am haunted by two years of us together... tortured by thoughts of you with her.

i am the woman who you once called Okashi Kyouki.

this is start of my journey.