Grey's is Back!

Change.

We don’t like it.
We fear it..... but we can't stop it from coming.

We either adapt to change or we get left behind.

And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying.

But here's the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Sometimes, change is good.

And sometimes, oh, sometimes... change is everything.

In love with a vampire..

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible.

Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but passes it does.

Even for me.

And yet, I found I could survive.

I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable.

I could live through it.

It didn't feel like the pain had weaken over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~ Bella Swan, Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer

Strangers now..

there is no comfort in your strangeness.

because once upon a time we were anything but strangers.

and now i look at pictures of you from a time you are no longer mine.

now i see you smiling to somebody else on the other side of the camera.

i have been dreaming of you the past few days...i cry in my sleep...and i wake up spent.

work is a drag these days. i despise it more and more. i smoke to ignore my discontent. i long for alcohol to erase the memories.....i yearn for a pill that will make me happy.

when will i remember without pain?

i need a hug.
if only i could talk to you again..

3 months sober

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
but I know it’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it’s still harder now
Three months I’ve been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I’m still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Child of the Dark

the sun has set but i am just beginning.
like a vampire famished.....craving for blood.
i feed myself to the 'wolves' once again.
strange faces. strange voices.
deafening sound.
unbearable madness.
still i smile......and i lie.

will i find peace in chaos?

i miss the silence. i miss the solitude.
i miss you.

Flashbacks

i still can't stand house music.

as soon as i enter a store playing club music....i walk out, finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden.

there is something about this music that brings me back to you. sad to say... it also brings back the pain....and a feeling of abandonment. i start seeing flashes of the life i left behind...the life i had with you.

i can imagine myself walking a straight line these days...with careful, determined steps. once in a while....i suddenly stop walking....and look back.

wishing i could just go back yet knowing i can never return to that point.

two weeks ago i went to a bar in greenbelt and stared longingly at the resident dj the whole time i was there...hoping against hope to see you instead.

truth is....everyday is still a struggle for me. everyday is a day for fighting inner demons, healing the hurt, adjusting to my new life....really just facing the unknown as bravely as i possibly can.

a day will come, i pray, when i would be walking the line and won't be tempted to look back anymore....house music and all.