Gregory House's Greatest Moment ;p

We can all applaud the doctor who's willing to break all the rules. But the real hero is the unsung doctor, toiling in anonymity, because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills.


I need you to bring me the THONG of Lisa Cuddy.


Not kidding. Thong. Cuddy. Go.


hahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!

Breaking Free

Peel these cobwebs
From my heart
So I may
Feel whole again

Let hurt consume me
Ravage
Break
Destroy
Me
So I may laugh again

Bleed my mind
Of hate
Resentments
Anger
Mistrusts
So I may run naked
And free
In the rain
To celebrate life

Watch my chest
Heave
And shiver
With scream
As I tear free
The bars
Holding captive
My heart

I am
Not hiding
Anymore

Hardcore?

Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough.

It’s about acceptance.

Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard.

In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.
- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy



~@~

i do choose my moments wisely...for crying bouts...pangs of loneliness..paranoia attacks.

i do want to be hardcore. strong. impervious.

somtimes i am...sometimes i am not.

sometimes i feel damaged still....other times i feel more or less healed.

i wish i could just control my thoughts....and therefore control my emotions.

i remember what you told me during the first month that we were together...when the mind and the heart do not contradict each other, that is when you know it's real.

the first and last time this happened to me....was when i fell in love with you.

hardcore or not, it's about accepting the fact that i was wrong that i was done then....that it was you.

letting go is so hard when you are still in love with the person.

then again, time is all i have at the moment.

more please. more time.

Your Voice

i heard your voice even before i set eyes on you.
it was this voice that drew me to you in the very beginning.
it rang with sublime serenity......with eternal wisdom.

the voice of reason, i used to say to myself.

this voice is still etched in my memory..... four months after i last heard it.

i still hear everything you used to tell me somehow.. though you are no longer by my side.
the explanations..
the encouragements..
the truth.

most times, it makes me yearn and hope in vain.
on rare occasions, it saves my sanity.
the memory of your voice fills my mind with light in my darkest hours.

i will never forget your voice nor will i forget the lessons.

even if i love you's uttered have long faded into echoes.......i will carry your voice with me.

soundless as it may be.

Over Love

I have always been the girl who was in love with love.

until now.

for once in my life, i am tired of it.

this concept that has been a source of happiness and fulfillment for almost thirteen years of my life is now buried at the deepest recesses of my mind.

i have fallen out of love with love..

AND it is a good thing.

Grey's is Back!

Change.

We don’t like it.
We fear it..... but we can't stop it from coming.

We either adapt to change or we get left behind.

And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying.

But here's the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Sometimes, change is good.

And sometimes, oh, sometimes... change is everything.

In love with a vampire..

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible.

Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but passes it does.

Even for me.

And yet, I found I could survive.

I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable.

I could live through it.

It didn't feel like the pain had weaken over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

~ Bella Swan, Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer

Strangers now..

there is no comfort in your strangeness.

because once upon a time we were anything but strangers.

and now i look at pictures of you from a time you are no longer mine.

now i see you smiling to somebody else on the other side of the camera.

i have been dreaming of you the past few days...i cry in my sleep...and i wake up spent.

work is a drag these days. i despise it more and more. i smoke to ignore my discontent. i long for alcohol to erase the memories.....i yearn for a pill that will make me happy.

when will i remember without pain?

i need a hug.
if only i could talk to you again..

3 months sober

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it’s never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
but I know it’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it’s still harder now
Three months I’ve been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I’m still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Child of the Dark

the sun has set but i am just beginning.
like a vampire famished.....craving for blood.
i feed myself to the 'wolves' once again.
strange faces. strange voices.
deafening sound.
unbearable madness.
still i smile......and i lie.

will i find peace in chaos?

i miss the silence. i miss the solitude.
i miss you.

Flashbacks

i still can't stand house music.

as soon as i enter a store playing club music....i walk out, finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden.

there is something about this music that brings me back to you. sad to say... it also brings back the pain....and a feeling of abandonment. i start seeing flashes of the life i left behind...the life i had with you.

i can imagine myself walking a straight line these days...with careful, determined steps. once in a while....i suddenly stop walking....and look back.

wishing i could just go back yet knowing i can never return to that point.

two weeks ago i went to a bar in greenbelt and stared longingly at the resident dj the whole time i was there...hoping against hope to see you instead.

truth is....everyday is still a struggle for me. everyday is a day for fighting inner demons, healing the hurt, adjusting to my new life....really just facing the unknown as bravely as i possibly can.

a day will come, i pray, when i would be walking the line and won't be tempted to look back anymore....house music and all.

God's Plan

the bible passage that i took for granted while i was growing up but actually saved my life last month..

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11

Woman in the Mirror

when i look in the mirror, i see a woman who is bruised inside. i see the reflection of a stranger...with an expressionless face and eyes tentatively looking back at me. i can fathom a person who is trying her best to be preoccupied with work to bury her grief.

people like this woman in the mirror. they see her beauty...her brains...her fire.

men desire her. women want to be her.

but why?

who is she?

one of these days...i will appreciate what other people see in her that i had stopped seeing. someday soon, i will get to know her again and feel that the woman in the mirror is really me...

Endless Possibilities

From the cute guy wearing a dark gray bonnet who shared his umbrella with me one stormy day and walked me all the way to the office..... to the equally hot guy who cornered me in the pantry and coerced the guards at work to give me his number...

a whole new realm is opening up to me day by day.

when it rains....it pours.

i like the rain these days. it makes me feel alive.

you see, anything is possible even when it's raining...

When Lightning Strikes..

it is like a bolt of lightning.

jolting every nerve in my body....leaving me reeling in disbelief.

it's over.

you're gone.

here i am trying to break old habits tinged with memories of you and discovering new things untouched by your presence....

when it suddenly hits me.

i have a new life now....and you are NOT a part of it anymore.

this bolt of lightning typically happens on most days...especially when it's pouring....when i can hear the tip-tapping of the rain outside.

and you know what breaks my heart each time "lightning strikes"?

it's the thought that the love we shared together will soon be forgotten...

that the love i thought was going to last will eventually get lost in the sands of time...

Another Lifetime

today was my first day.

new job. new faces. new sights. new responsibilities.

new everything.

it was so overwhelming, almost dreamlike.

i couldn't help remembering my life two months ago...

i yearned for the time when the things around me were familiar...comforting..easy.

i longed for my life with you then.

but i realized that it was a lifetime ago....the "then and there".

i am faced with the "here and now"....and no matter how uncertain it is...

i would rather live in this lifetime and face the unknown than to be stuck in a dead-end relationship in another life..

Day 26: My Heart Song Today

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
You're still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you...

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

A Different Candy

why is it important to let go of the old stuff and jump into newer things?

out with the old, in with the new, they say.

because letting go of my past no matter how daunting a task brings me closer to the future.

to a different me.

no more dwelling (at least not so much now)..

turn the page, change the channel.

turn-off the radio!! well, unless the music is really soothing and not senti.

my mantra every time i look in the mirror is this...

i look different. i feel different. i AM different now.

different does not mean i'm alone...different does not mean i feel empty.

different just means accepting change.

dive into different.

swim towards the new, improved Candy.

DAY 22: I am Superman

for the first time in three weeks, i got out of bed without asking God why i still woke up today.

that's a good thing, right?

twenty-two days of wanting to die in my sleep...twenty-two days of embracing my wretchedness as if it's the most important thing in the world...twenty-two days of convincing myself albeit tears and loneliness and assaulting memories of our "good" times together that ending it was all for the best.

twenty-two days of surviving without him.

TWENTY-TWO WHOLE FREAKIN' DAYS!!!

no calls, no emails, no chat, no text.

with no anesthesia to dull the pain.

i have taken no alcohol, no sedative, no mind-altering substance, no fuck buddy. i haven't even smoked a single cigarette.

why heap pain on top of pain when you know it's just momentary, right?

sigh...

i feel like Superman right now for what it's worth.

in time, i will conquer this kryptonite.

Walking Wounded

i went to the bookstore today to lick my wounds with words of healing. after almost three hours of desperate browsing, i finally decided on the bible (yes, the bible since i need a new one as i can't understand the version i have), a prayerbook for everyday women, a book from Paolo Coehlo, two self-help books and a women's magazine...so far the biggest bookstore splurge of my life.

on my way to the counter, i saw a college friend and greeted her.

Candz, okay ka lang? Pumayat ka ah..

i then blurted out that i just broke up with my boyfriend and excused myself immediately because i was near tears already.

geez...was i that transparent? walking wounded for everybody to witness?

it was terribly embarrassing but i just consoled myself with the fact that she was, after all, a friend although not a close one, at least it was NOT one of his friends OR worse....HIM with current squeeze strolling hand in hand.

it was then that i made up my mind not to look like an emotional wreck again the next time i bump into someone familiar. i mean...who really cares if you're torn beyond repair inside? basic self-preservation cautions us that no matter how damaged you feel deep down... never to allow it to seep into the surface.

a true survivor may feel it.....but would rather not look it.

it only hurts when i breathe

rock bottom is inevitable...

for i can feel myself sinking into oblivion each passing night.

finding no solace.

no solace even in my dreams.

should i fight to keep myself afloat or should i just let myself drown?

i don't want to be rescued. i just want it to end.

it hurts when i breathe..

must i hold my breath then?

WE HURT ALONE

I mourn you
With tears and pain and wonder
With loneliness and rage
Suckling your betrayal upon my breasts
Until my heart is whole again

I mourn you
In my frosty dreams
Where the wind rips at my clothes,
Tears the flesh from my bones,
And puts me back together piece by piece

I mourn you with questions
How could you? Why did you?
How, why?
And try to find answers
when there are none
And my heart is weak and aching.

I mourn you
Sitting in darkness without me by your side
Wrapping my body around you
To keep at bay all that may hurt you

But we hurt alone
Backs turned against each other
Me disappearing into the darkness where you threw me

Soon I will fade away
But I miss you
As if death has taken you from me

the last time

you think there will always be tomorrow.. or the day after that..

you think there will always be a next time.

if only you knew it was your last kiss.

if only you knew it was the last time you would touch.

maybe you would have committed to memory every detail.

maybe you would have remembered every little thing.

..to help you get through lonely nights beyond the last time.

getting by...

i'm just going through the motions.

trying to push past the pain one day at a time.

each night i close my eyes to sleep as soon as tears stop flowing.
each day i open my eyes to wonder again why i wake up still.

someday i'll know the reason. someday i'll look back knowing i did the right thing.

until then..

i'm just going through the motions.

somehow finding the strength to go on.

DAY 10

for two years, i woke up knowing you were there... knowing you loved me.. knowing we had all the time in the world to be together.

today, i woke up to, yet, another day without you.

another day trying to ease the hurt. another day accepting that things have come to an end.

just another day for moving on..

will it ever stop hurting?

i miss you.

Business As Usual

It's business as usual out there..

The ebb and flow of the tides..

Traffic jams. The daily grind.

A teenager's first kiss.

I don't understand why it all hasn't come to a halt... how the world can keep spinning on its axis.

Not missing one revolution, my friend.

You wake up one day thinking about the color of your hair.

By the end of the day you feel so small you're not sure you'll be able to breathe.

Goodbye to my DJ

Are you into the sea of waking dreams?

Through this world of slumber,
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest world,
the truth enslaved.
You speak to me in riddles,
You speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath.
Your words keep me alive.

And "I" would be the one to hold you tight.
Kiss you so hard. It'll take your breath away.
After I walk away
Wide awake...
just close your eyes.

WHO AM I?

i am drained. broke. heartbroken.

i am haunted by two years of us together... tortured by thoughts of you with her.

i am the woman who you once called Okashi Kyouki.

this is start of my journey.