how apologies should be

i want to share a letter a friend of mine gave me. it's sweet...it's flattering.

it made me smile.. even though he hurt me the last time we saw each other.

thus the letter...


for all the awkward times, i guess there are moments when one realizes one was disrespectful to people who deserve better. namely, me to you.

i still don't know any words where our conversations may transcend something more than awkward. our actions, especially my own, seem unable to transcend the superficially lusty.

as badly composed as this message may seem (which also functions as a pseudo-apology) i guess the most i can say is, i can't remember any time when i was with you that i didn't want to go to bed with you. but that's life i suppose.

people just can't seem to go past their initial connections. or their immediate desires.

am i attempting to relinquish or reinforce said desires? i don't know.

for what it's worth, i'm afraid i may have decided to actually look in hindsight and say to myself, what the f_ was i thinking?

you were one among many i guess. some decided there weren't any conversations worth having unless i woke up with them, or vise versa, and some, like you, decided to realize the same question i ask myself now: wtf?

for all such moments, many of which i don't regret but humbly appreciate, many of which i know full well go anathema to every ethical populist principle i've chosen to stand for, what i'm telling you now is this: i would dislike me too.

i miss you in the most awkward way possible. why i miss you i don't know, we never really connected. there won't be any future moments i think. but the past ones, however dumb, insignificant or wondrous, remain as memories should.

lessons ultimately transposed into ideas. appreciative, regretful, etc.

but that's how things go i suppose. what is past is prologue.

and that's that. wish you well candz.