is PMS-ing bad?

i'm lonely. i'm sad.

i need a drop of serotonin. maybe one year of sobriety won't change a thing once i visit paradise lost?


*sigh*

one year today..

one year of solitude.

one year of "me first before anyone else"

one year of "no one's going to rescue me but me"

one year of tears and laughter and pleasure AND a great deal of pain.

one year of celibacy and sobriety.


i wonder...

one year from now.....what's in store for me?

abso - fucking - lutely SATC!!

i missed new york...i missed carrie and big...i missed samantha and her filthy mouth...most of all...i missed the sex!!

i was already fighting back tears during the opening credits and first few scenes. by the end of the movie, i had a splitting headache from all the crying.

i watched sex and the city alone, my dear reader. not because i didn't have a movie buddy...but because i felt the need to watch it by myself for old times sake. i remember watching episodes alone in my room wishing i was sipping margarita every time.

so many memories associated with the series...so many personal heartaches linked to the characters' own hardships.

yes, i've missed them. the innuendos, the...cat fights...the endless flirtations...the sexcapades...the tears of pleasure and of pain...

but i know i missed the memories of happy days long gone and the people i was with more. it brought me back to the past and that weird almost rare... empty feeling.


bottom line after watching the most-anticipated movie of the year, i was depressed but at the same time hopeful.

because as much as i would like to deny it....i still believe in LOVE.


and happy endings...

it's all happening!

it all happened so fast...and i am still reeling.

i wake up every morning now...and sleep soundly at night.
i have a purpose every day and i can't wait to go to work despite the long commute.
i love the work environment and the work station that is ALL mine.
i can eat any time i choose and go to the restroom any time i need to.
i don't feel suppressed in any way..and i smile and laugh more often.

my deprived days are over!

oh, and did i mention that i am totally psyched with my SINGAPORE training this june?

finally.

finally.

my life has direction.


i have arrived.




=)

In title and in deed

I wanted to revel in it as much as i agonized over it.
I'm talking about my dream job here and there were a few moments when i felt it was out of my reach.
after my last job..this job is one million times better...AND i know in my heart and in my mind that i deserve this.
i loved it from the very beginning when i stumbled upon the job description....even though i had qualms about it.

can i really practice the profession i abandoned five years ago?

is it about the money? the chance to be trained abroad?

is it about the fact that i can work normal hours now? have my saturdays and sundays free at last?

or is it just the simple reason that i don't have to take a single irate customer's call again?

all i know is that i am finally going to be an engineer in a company that i believe in.

i'm so proud of myself right now.

and looking back at what it took me to get here....i don't want to have it any other way. =)




~o-0-o~
but the grass is oh so green....after winter rain.
- Feel It Coming by Sarah Melson

Bull's Eye

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything
EVERYTHING that I wanted
We were MEANT TO BE
SUPPOSED TO BE but we lost it
And all of the memories so close to me just FADE AWAY..
All this time you were pretending
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING




It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the ONLY ONE
It's nice to know WE HAD IT ALL
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done..

last day blues..

it's my last day and i feel at a loss..
only because it's unimaginable that the constant thing in my vampire lifestyle is coming to an end.
no more sleepless nights...no more urge to press the release button...no more irate americans to pacify...no more need to do a hundred different things at the same time...no more noise and utter chaos in the production floor.
it's hard to leave it all behind... the friends i've seen everyday for the past nine months.. the salary i've come to expect every two weeks, and mostly...the feeling that i've got to be somewhere else five nights a week.
i will miss every little thing even if it has caused so much anxiety and hopelessness.

and yet...i feel immensely relieved
that finally i can stop feeling like i'm living in a nightmare.
and therefore, move on to better and greater things..

at long last, i am done. I don't know why or how i have lasted this long...but it is over now.

goodbye, misery and darkness!
hello, freedom and sunshine!



~0-o-0~
The only thing more unthinkable than staying is leaving. The only thing more impossible than leaving is staying.
- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert