cannot.

tonight i learned that you had a girlfriend.

after three months i finally understood why you act the way you do...why you always have an excuse for not being with me.

it hurts. yes...of course..

but at my age i've already been through a lot....i've experienced bigger and greater pain than this....

no biggie, that's what i keep saying to myself.

i just wish i could've learned sooner, you know?

maybe i might've stopped myself for feeling anything more than what is right...

doomed.

you are mine five days a week.

i look forward to seeing you each morning. i fret when you are about to leave at the end of the day.

i rub elbows with you many times in a span of one week.

we shout with laughter...we snicker mischievously...we whisper private jokes....we curse the people who make our life hell.

we go from flirting outrageously to working like mad dogs the next minute.

everything is going well except for one little thing.

i'm falling for you.

secretly....i'm hoping you can be mine seven days a week. plus the nights too.


somebody, kill me now. please.

traffic siguro....

nasaan ka na?

traffic ba?


ang tagal mo naman dumating sa buhay ko.. hinahanap mo ba ako?

malungkot ako ngayon. sana nandito ka na.

sana tayo na..

ikaw na ba? ikaw na sana...


siguro...traffic lang talaga.

is PMS-ing bad?

i'm lonely. i'm sad.

i need a drop of serotonin. maybe one year of sobriety won't change a thing once i visit paradise lost?


*sigh*

one year today..

one year of solitude.

one year of "me first before anyone else"

one year of "no one's going to rescue me but me"

one year of tears and laughter and pleasure AND a great deal of pain.

one year of celibacy and sobriety.


i wonder...

one year from now.....what's in store for me?

abso - fucking - lutely SATC!!

i missed new york...i missed carrie and big...i missed samantha and her filthy mouth...most of all...i missed the sex!!

i was already fighting back tears during the opening credits and first few scenes. by the end of the movie, i had a splitting headache from all the crying.

i watched sex and the city alone, my dear reader. not because i didn't have a movie buddy...but because i felt the need to watch it by myself for old times sake. i remember watching episodes alone in my room wishing i was sipping margarita every time.

so many memories associated with the series...so many personal heartaches linked to the characters' own hardships.

yes, i've missed them. the innuendos, the...cat fights...the endless flirtations...the sexcapades...the tears of pleasure and of pain...

but i know i missed the memories of happy days long gone and the people i was with more. it brought me back to the past and that weird almost rare... empty feeling.


bottom line after watching the most-anticipated movie of the year, i was depressed but at the same time hopeful.

because as much as i would like to deny it....i still believe in LOVE.


and happy endings...

it's all happening!

it all happened so fast...and i am still reeling.

i wake up every morning now...and sleep soundly at night.
i have a purpose every day and i can't wait to go to work despite the long commute.
i love the work environment and the work station that is ALL mine.
i can eat any time i choose and go to the restroom any time i need to.
i don't feel suppressed in any way..and i smile and laugh more often.

my deprived days are over!

oh, and did i mention that i am totally psyched with my SINGAPORE training this june?

finally.

finally.

my life has direction.


i have arrived.




=)